It's a nice place to visit but...

...I wouldn't want to live there.

Rant time.

I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm hundreds of feet away from reaching the top of a mountain. I've been climbing the mountain for over 30 years. It's physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Some times I get to a plateau and I start to believe I'll make it to the top of that mountain. And then...BAM! I lose my footing and drop down the mountain. But do I give up? No. I keep on climbing. While I'm climbing the mountain, I am so focused on getting to the top that I forget about the necessities of taking care of those physical, mental and emotional  aspects that are important to nurture to help me reach the top of that mountain. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not a victim of this mountain but a willing and able participant. I see others on this mountain and I've seen and know of many who fall off completely and never make it. I see and know of many who get knocked down twice as far as I do and they keep going. Sometimes, they even pass me up. So, let it be known that I am GRATEFUL for my abilities to stay on the mountain even though at times I want to give up because it's hard. And then the weather gets really crappy and I don't have the right supplies and warm clothing to get through the storm. I think sometimes others who are along side the mountain with me forget that I endured the worst snow storm ever not too long ago. The hypothermia set in. I had others actually pushing  me off the mountain. And they pushed hard. The detractors took things away from me that I loved and crushed dreams that were years in the making. While I was strong enough to start climbing the mountain again, my spirit was sabotaged. My gear was worn and it was up to me and only me to repair what I had and press on. Luckily for me I've been blessed with a huge support team. But when it all comes down to it, I'm the only one who can get myself to the top of the mountain. After that storm last year and a few showers in the last few months, it has been a real challenge to believe I can make it to that mountain top.I get angry and I don't understand why this climb is so difficult as I watch others just fly straight to the top. I don't need much to get there. I think my requests are reasonable. In addition to my amazing support team, all I need is a strong partner who can relieve me when my strength is low and in return I can be the strength for my partner. All I need is a big strong rope that enables me to use my intelligence and dedication to be successful. I've got the rope and I'm pulling super hard on it and can actually see that I've got the best rope on the market. I have control over that rope and all of that hard work is slowly paying off and I know I'm on the right track with it. As for the partner, I have not been so lucky. And that's ok. Maybe it's not meant for me to have one. I don't understand why that would be and I am angry about not having one because I think I deserve one. The wounds from last year's blizzard are not fully healed so I find myself feeling weak and in need of my support team. At the same time, I want to make sure my support team stays healthy and I do what I can to keep them motivated and strong. Some may label me a "victim" but I have to say that I do not play that role. I'm allowed to be frustrated and angry because I KNOW that I am strong enough to make it to the top of this mountain. The anger and frustration comes from the many beatings I've taken, not just from potential climbing partners but from the ropes I had in the past. I've given away my gear when I see others who need it. In doing that, it has made my own journey a little more difficult. Some may say I give too much of my gear away and I need to be more selfish. Well, it's not who I am. I guess if giving away too much of my gear is going to keep me from that mountain top then maybe it's not meant to be. And right now I'm angry about that, but you know what? I can only modify my gear situation, not change it completely. It's MY gear. I can't help but share it even if it hinders my journey. It makes me happy to help those other mountain climbers. And I may  hurt myself by doing it but I did not choose the gear in my pack. It's what I was given. Those climbers may churn and it is their loss. I can't control that.  I'm angry about it today but I will get through it. I always do.

Do you ever feel that to others your mountain is just a nice place to visit but they wouldn't want to live there? That's how I'm feeling today. I'll get over it so don't worry. K?

Sorry for any typos or grammatical errors. It's 3am and I'm stinkin' tired.

Good night.